Yes, you too, you can become a crypto-millionnaire.

First of all, here are 2 solutions :

  • You buy your crypto on a P2P marketplace via Tor,
  • You are an asshole, and you buy your crypto on a centralized exchange.

Of course, you belong to the second category and you want to ensure you’ll be able to cash out. So you’ll send your ID, bank statements as well as a picture of your dick to an exchange as required. Don’t use coinbase, this exchange is too mainstream : You are a disruptive crypto investor, do not forget.

OK, now you’ve got your first crypto, HODL it. For now, there is no need to spend a coin that the world doesn’t give a shit about. The best way to secure your crypto is to transfert it from the exchange to a cold storage wallet. This elegant solution is practiced by many guys like you. The easiest way is to get a hardware wallet and trust it.

Good, you don’t need to care about your (shit)coins anymore.

The goal is to have cryptos, not to use them

Ok, but then how can I show to everybody that I have some crypto and that I am a rebel?”. That’s a natural issue. Luckily, I thought about you little looser, here are some things you can say :

“Crypto is really powerful. At least you have control over your wallets, not like these fascist central bank accounts. Anyway, USD and EUR stinks.”

“Well, if you are a beginner, you better not use crypto, this thing is for the eLiTeS. You, you are better off using fiat.”

“Fuck tha white paper, an off-chain layer is required for transactions.”

“Hey ! Where could I find libevent 2.1.8 ? Because version 2.0.21 is not compatible with my Bitcoin Core client.

“I prefer running my own node and send transactions using a console, command-line is much easier.”

“Wooooww what a fool ! He just bought some BCH !! Only BTC is good and BCH is to shaddy anyway.”

With these sentences, you will quickly belong to the “Ok, he’s an asshole, but an asshole using crypto” category.

[Sidenote : You should rather keep your mouth shut and your ears open. As a hodler, you shall not ignore any active attempts to spread of crypto-currencies around the world. Their are no sides to be taken. Conflict and division is a law of power and you are not in the fight : Do not be manipulated into thinking you have to make a choice, this would only increase your risks of failure.]

The $1 crypto community

Now that you are ready to jeopardize the world’s economy, you must meet with other people who are dangerous just like you. In order to do this, there is THE thugs’ rendez-vous, called Consensus. Every year, you will fly around the world to places where you will meet very important guys who rebooted the entire financial system twice with some C++ code.

In reality, you will not learn much in these conferences, losers who go over there masturbate each other thinking “Yeah, we are DiSrUpToRs, we are ruthless, real men. Oh shiiit, my wallet just got hacked”. You’ll eat at McDonald every evening and get a thrill thinking that your smartphone is tapped by NSA agents who are listening to dangerous conversations such as :

Asshole1 : How much is the Whooper ?

Asshole2 : Uh, MacDo makes Whoopers ?

Asshole1 : Don’t they ?

Become a crypto-entrepreneur

Now, you’ll have to buy books about the economy and blockchains. The important thing is a complicated title. A book title such as “How Blockchain disrupts the gig economy” will do the job perfectly. Buy these books even if you don’t understand the titles, they’ll just have to be impressive : You are not suppose to read them, it is just to impress your friends, who are assholes just like you.

The best way is to buy a book like “Ethereum Web3 Stack” and learn by heart random words such as zk-SNARKs, BZZ, plasma, PoS. Then you will use them in your sentences, even out of context, nobody will check what you are saying. For example, for feel to say things like : “How many packets does it take to send a message over the BZZ protocol ?”. God I swear on a good cowboy thread, that will always impress and nobody will tell you that what you have just said has no meaning. Don’t worry.

Then, put these books in your bedroom, the most complicated titles in the most visible areas. Take some paper and draw network diagrams, or add things like ./src/zcashd –daemon to make others believe you spend your days mining like a nerd. Do not hesitate to stick photos of Vitalik Buterin or rather Lambos above your bed, also put Bitcoin stickers on your computer to show to everyone that now, you are a crypto thug, a disruptive guy.

To complete your new identity and truly become a hodl3r, you mustn’t hesitate to say great things like “I am a freedom fighter”. Okay, you do not understand anything about blockchains, but it does not matter, you love learning anyway. Crypto is a passion and you have a lot of willpower. Specify that you don’t do it for the money. Say you are doing that for “the sake of human civilisation”. Yes, this time, you will have to force yourself not to laugh hard, so train yourself in front of the mirror before.

I just got a retweet !! Awesoooooome !!

You, you are a real crypto-hodler and you hear well to spread your knowledge in order to educate others like you.

Obviously, crypto-currencies never enabled you to buy anything and you have never read a single white paper in your life, so you do not know what to talk about. Don’t worry, you are not the only one in this situation : Just talk about how you made a shit load of money by buying a flash-crash dip, or made 100x out of shitcoin you sold a few days ago. You can also brag about your last pump and dump to show off your Kung-fu trading skills. Do not forget to mention that you are very skilled and that your trading strategies must not be (and cannot be) reproduced at home. When your predictions fail, put the blame on market manipulation and government regulation. Come on, free yourself, you are a Freedom Fighter, do not forget.

YEAH ! I am a crypto hodler, a freedom soldier

Now, for sure, you have truly become an Internet anarchist, a crypto libertarian and tomorrow’s nouveau riche. You are scaring all governments and banks around the world. Once your friends and family will notice that you have changed, that you are not the same man anymore, you will have to spread the news on social networks in order to make new friends. Say goodbye to either #flours nor #friendship, now you will go down to the bottom of the socialgraph, the cyber-bronx, nuke-city, where only the real anarchists can be respected in this world of violence. To succeed, you will have to go from being an asshole hodler to a asshole hodler who thinks crypto, who acts crypto and who walks crypto, I mean a cRyPt0 c0wb0y.

Inspired by : tRoU dU cULz hiDeoUt – Je suis un hacker donc j’installe Linux (2002).
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